A Brief Sketch

A conjoined Astral Knife sketch on part of a page in my journal, snapped on Instagram. I think the concept would be more clear if the goat weren’t head-on. Yeah, I finally got with the program and got an Android, though it doesn’t have a data plan (which is good, because I pay the same still). What really prompted this though was my preoccupation with the ANS synthesizer.

It’s a Russian synthesizer invented in 1938 that generates tones by drawing, using line & color (set  to Quabbalistic Queen scale colors/Theosophic correspondences.) And while the chances of me getting my hands on a real one are slim to none, there is an app for that. Tell me this is not a synesthete’s dream.

Rust Flowers

A Lotta Losers Ask Me…

…stuff like “How can a cripple guy satisfy you?” They may or may not be the same knuckle-draggers and botched abortions who have teased him since childhood asking if his dick is crooked. So in light of the fact that I’ve been to busy to make a real blog post, I’m here to let you know my husband is descended from this god:

And that’s why you bore me. You fill me with inertia, or you would if I wasn’t already…ANYWAY here’s some actual information on the god Min, who apparently had associations with Horus and to the Greeks, identified with Pan.


Sorry, we have an Egyptologist friend who got me on this kick.

I worship Min, I extol arm-raising Horus:
Hail to you, Min in his procession!
Tall-plumed, son of Osiris,
Born of divine Isis.
Great in Senut, mighty in Ipu
You of Coptus, Horus strong-armed,
Lord of awe who silences pride,
Sovereign of all the gods!
Fragrance laden when he comes from Medja-land,
Awe inspiring in Nubia,
You of Utent, hail and praise!

Dude, Where’s My Klonopin?

I know where it isn’t, that’s for sure. While most of the clientele at my clinic would be more anxious about a dirty piss test, I’m having trouble because mine are too clean.
Namely, the Klonopin I take every night hasn’t been showing up, leading the higher ups to suspect possible non-compliance (though I’m there of my own volition and not a court mandate) or selling or even giving out the stuff.
Which I wouldn’t do. Honestly. I’m enjoying these too much. Not that that’s the proper answer either, I fear.
I don’t understand why this is happening though, honestly. All I could offer was that I drink a lot of water, that I make it a goal to drink 8 or more glasses a day, not only for the health benefits but because well…I’m on Klonopin. Two possible side effects – frequent urination and dehydration.
“Maybe it’s the apple cider vinegar you put in the water” Dad suggested when I mentioned the problem to him.
“Maybe.” I only add one capful to water daily, but neither of us were going to split hairs over the issue. We were more fixated by the issue of a big chunk of Abuelita’s roof collapsing in the kitchen leaving scattered dust, roach shells and legs, and a raw skeletal view of century-old dried wooden beams between us and the people upstairs.

And not that it’s on topic or anything, but Eric is playing with Future Blondes again in August.

Greetings From Hell’s Kitchen

Shot in an undisclosed location in Hell’s Kitchen.


Several Species Of Animals Hanging On A Corner Grooving With Astral Knife

What started as a video I shot for Abuelita (she likes birds) turned into an infrared Astral Knife-mare

I plugged in the soundtrack of Astral Knife from Catland’s fundraiser. Though this video is only slightly over a minute long, you can also hear if not see it in it’s entirety here:


(It’s too bad you can’t see it though. People who did say it was one helluva performance.)



Would You Like To See The World’s Most Beloved Schizophrenic Cartoon Sing Throbbing Gristle?

Well here ya go then.

Eric found this video last night. Cuz Salad Fingers is awesome and Throbbing Gristle is awesome.


That allusion is my poetic way of saying I had another psychotic episode last night due to too much…everything? Failure to detach? Exhaustion? I can’t pinpoint an isolated cause, but the agitation builds and builds until coils surround my throat and tongue and I can’t communicate. But I can see the world we live in as mechanisms. Molecular structures that begin to buzz and fly apart. You can see how not-real reality is, like in Vedic philosophy they talk of the illusory Maya or in Gnosticism the idea that this reality was created by a false demiurge Ialdabaoth – anyway it’s like everyone and everything is the Man Behind The Curtain who Dorothy was supposed to be paying no attention to including myself, I have a Man Behind The Curtain that wants to trick me into following lies just like every other human thrust into this world has…

What if reality only looks “solid” because it’s so shrouded and murky? Are we shackling ourselves tighter and tighter all the time in the pursuit of “normalcy”, “fuctionality” (functionality according to whom, ever wondered?), “wellness” or whatever other tidy label we slap on it?

I know the worst of it is behind me though I still have a sense of depression, a lack of desire to do anything much, though I did will myself to do some things today. I know the depression will lift, it’s considerably lessened from what it was a few hours ago, even. I know I have schizoaffective disorder with depressive features and sometimes in my life these things will happen. I know that there will always be positive and negative, and that both those things can be as much a matter of perception as anything else.

But all that doesn’t mean I’m gonna say depression doesn’t suck while you’re going through it. :p


Harmony of Difference and Sameness


By Ch’an Master Shih-t’ou Hsi-ch’ien

竺土大仙心    The mind of the great sage of India

東西密相付    is intimately transmitted from west to east.

人根有利鈍    While human faculties are sharp or dull,

道無南北祖    the Way has no northern or southern ancestors.

靈源明皎潔    The spiritual source shines clear in the light;

枝派暗流注    the branching streams flow on in the dark.

執事元是迷    Grasping at things is surely delusion;

契理亦非悟    according with sameness is still not enlightenment.

門門一切境    All the objects of the senses

迴互不迴互    interact and yet do not.

迴而更相涉       Interacting brings involvement.

不爾依位住    Otherwise, each keeps its place.

色本殊質像    Sights vary in quality and form,

聲元異樂苦    sounds differ as pleasing or harsh.

闇合上中言    Refined and common speech come together in the dark,

明明清濁句    clear and murky phrases are distinguished in the light.

四大性自復    The four elements return to their natures

如子得其母    just as a child turns to its mother;

火熱風動搖    Fire heats, wind moves,

水濕地堅固    water wets, earth is solid.

眼色耳音聲    Eye and sights, ear and sounds,

鼻香舌鹹醋    nose and smells, tongue and tastes;

然於一一法    Thus with each and every thing,

依根葉分布    depending on these roots, the leaves spread forth.

本未須歸宗    Trunk and branches share the essence;

尊卑用其語    revered and common, each has its speech.

當明中有暗    In the light there is darkness,

勿以暗相遇    but don’t take it as darkness;

當暗中有明    In the dark there is light,

勿以明相睹    but don’t see it as light.

明暗各相對    Light and dark oppose one another

比如前後歩    like the front and back foot in walking.

萬物自有功    Each of the myriad things has its merit,

當言用及處    expressed according to function and place.

事存函蓋合    Phenomena exist; box and lid fit;

理應箭鋒拄       principle responds; arrow points meet.

承言須會宗    Hearing the words, understand the meaning;

勿自立規矩    don’t set up standards of your own.

觸目不會道    If you don’t understand the Way right before you,

運足焉知路    how will you know the path as you walk?

進歩非近遠    Progress is not a matter of far or near,

迷隔山河故    but if you are confused, mountains and rivers block your way.

謹白參玄人    I respectfully urge you who study the mystery,

光陰莫虚度    do not pass your days and nights in vain.



The Dormouse & The Doctor – A.A. Milne



There once was a Dormouse who lived in a bed
Of delphiniums (blue) and geraniums (red),
And all the day long he’d a wonderful view
Of geraniums (red) and delphiniums (blue).

A Doctor came hurrying round, and he said:
“Tut-tut, I am sorry to find you in bed.
Just say ‘Ninety-nine’ while I look at your chest….
Don’t you find that chrysanthemums answer the best?”

The Dormouse looked round at the view and replied
(When he’d said “Ninety-nine”) that he’d tried and he’d tried,
And much the most answering things that he knew
Were geraniums (red) and delphiniums (blue).

The Doctor stood frowning and shaking his head,
And he took up his shiny silk hat as he said:
“What the patient requires is a change,” and he went
To see some chrysanthemum people in Kent.

The Dormouse lay there, and he gazed at the view
Of geraniums (red) and delphiniums (blue),
And he knew there was nothing he wanted instead
Of delphiniums (blue) and geraniums (red).

The Doctor came back and, to show what he meant,
He had brought some chrysanthemum cuttings from Kent.
“Now these,” he remarked, “give a much better view
Than geraniums (red) and delphiniums (blue).”

They took out their spades and they dug up the bed
Of delphiniums (blue) and geraniums (red),
And they planted chrysanthemums (yellow and white).
“And now,” said the Doctor, “we’ll soon have you right.”

The Dormouse looked out, and he said with a sigh:
“I suppose all these people know better than I.
It was silly, perhaps, but I did like the view
Of geraniums (red) and delphiniums (blue).”

The Doctor came round and examined his chest,
And ordered him Nourishment, Tonics, and Rest.
“How very effective,” he said, as he shook
The thermometer, “all these chrysanthemums look!”

The Dormouse turned over to shut out the sight
Of the endless chrysanthemums (yellow and white).
“How lovely,” he thought, “to be back in a bed
Of delphiniums (blue) and geraniums (red.)”

The Doctor said, “Tut! It’s another attack!”
And ordered him Milk and Massage-of-the-back,
And Freedom-from-worry and Drives-in-a-car,
And murmured, “How sweet your chrysanthemums are!”

The Dormouse lay there with his paws to his eyes,
And imagined himself such a pleasant surprise:
“I’ll pretend the chrysanthemums turn to a bed
Of delphiniums (blue) and geraniums (red)!”

The Doctor next morning was rubbing his hands,
And saying, “There’s nobody quite understands
These cases as I do! The cure has begun!
How fresh the chrysanthemums look in the sun!”

The Dormouse lay happy, his eyes were so tight
He could see no chrysanthemums, yellow or white.
And all that he felt at the back of his head
Were delphiniums (blue) and geraniums (red).

And that is the reason (Aunt Emily said)
If a Dormouse gets in a chrysanthemum bed,
You will find (so Aunt Emily says) that he lies
Fast asleep on his front with his paws to his eyes.


Pastels, 12″ x 9″

TOPIC: What’s wrong in the environment (and how to change it, which I didn’t get to cuz’ these things are only an hour.)

Yuppie Pig fucks and fracks his way deep into the city bedrock. His oily black semen and nuclear piss cause the rising up of unaffordable luxury high rises, creating a dystopian Hell which is compounded as the radioactive waters surrounding Fukushima rise above ground level.

Yeah, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.


I’ve been noticing more and more ads in the subways or things on the internet lately using phrases like “New York Tough” “Like A Real New Yorker”, “Ask A Native New Yorker”…New Yorker this, New Yorker that. As a native born New Yorker, one of those jingoistically proud-as-fuck New Yorkers, I find it kind of ironic that most of these ads are not for products or services I or anyone I know uses. Well ok, there was one for dish detergent. Yes it’s true. We New Yorkers wash our dishes, that is, when we’re not elbowing our way down a crowded sidewalk while downing a slice of pizza, pretzel, Sabretts or other finger food, and snapping “Hey I’m walkin’ heah!” between bites. But I realize, these ads are not targeted at me. Or my Dad, or my husband, or my friends. They’re targeted at young, affluent transplants who market researchers must have determined are becoming self-conscious about their bumbling lack of cred. And in keeping with one of the key illusions of consumer capitalist based systems, they want these transplants to believe the answer to their insecurity lies not in adapting to their new home and learning about it, but in spending money on specific products. This isn’t just about “being a New Yorker”. The ad world is full of empty promises that using shampoo or make-up endorsed by a celebrity will make you look like that celebrity, that buying the same gear your favorite musician uses will make you sound just like them, that wearing the right type of sneaker will make you a pro athlete. Of course I’m stating the obvious by saying that buying things won’t make you an instant model, rock star, quarterback, or what have you.

I just think it’s funny that they’re doing it with the idea of New Yorkers now.


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