And I don’t mean in a “candlelight and atmospheric music” kind of way.
My counselor was talking to me about possibly moving to some sort of aftercare program before the year is out – looking into stuff heavy on art and music therapy! We talked about how my moods have been more steady and stabilized as of late, or at least compared to a month or so ago. But here’s where the conundrum lies…how much of it is me, and how much of it is circumstances?
I don’t believe emotions exist in a vacuum. Even my DBT worksheets say as much. An event/stimulus creates a primary emotional response, which leads to other tangential emotions. And for those who think emotions must be controlled, repressed, or made subservient to reason at all times, NO I don’t think having emotional responses to things is bad or weak or anything like that. It’s called being a human.
I do however believe in the adage “You may not be able to control how you feel, but you can choose how you respond to those feelings.” Trick here is, when my thoughts get clouded or I’m driven to extreme states of panic or agitation or whatever, I don’t always come up with the best choices. I have to work a little harder at it than the average neurotypical bear, what can I say? However, the work I do in my treatment program, plus my meditative and ritual spiritual practices, are helping me get a better handle on that. So that’s the part that’s me.
And now the circumstances… a few months back when my anxiety levels were higher? Well let’s see… Control-Freak housemate was trying to instigate fights with everyone and everything, I was being cyber-mobbed by corporate #whitefeminist types who didn’t like my critiques of censorious yuppie Sandberg (some of them still hate-read. HIIII HATERS!), a friend of Eric’s & mine died, and my estranged mother was firing up with strange passive-aggressive emails, claiming I was the one not giving her my number (I’d sent it to her twice, & sent it a third time. No reply as of yet.)
“Do you know what she’s done?
Your cunting daughter?”
At the same time there were some emotional highs, two books I had writing or artwork in came out and the was the Yeah That’s What She Said! intersectional feminist event. And as always my soulmate Eric was there for both the bad stuff and the good.
But as of late, well, all that stuff has subsided. So if I seem calmer, more contented, how much is an actual improvement and how much is just that nobody’s pissing me off these days? My counselor asked how I would handle it if Control-Freak housemate started trying to bark orders again like a drill sargeant. I said I still wouldn’t let her treat me that way, though I can’t really say how I would handle it, if it would come to screaming and blows like it has in the past or not. I’m also not the only one in that equation, I really couldn’t say what another person would do. So, am I improving? Or am I just resting in the eye of the hurricane? I’m not entirely sure. Here’s Yesod having a day out on the subway:
As for that poster behind us, any skepticism she had about a Tupac Shakur Broadway musical turned to intrigue when I told her I found out Saul Williams was gonna be involved.
“Interplanetary truth is androgynous”