Blood Birds

Done after a 2:30 AM self-injury episode. But creating art from it takes away that little twinge of shame that follows the blessed, blessed release. I’ve decided to become an alchemist of injury.

Despite the gloom one might expect from a self-injury inspired art piece, what emerged was a fairly tranquil scene of some birds and a fish in a lake. Which is kind of how I vascillate in coping with my mood. The internet is filled with dime-store platitudes on how to achieve happiness. Many of them strike me as sort-of victim blaming, as many of you know. Anything that implies that people are as happy or unhappy as the “decide” to be, in particular, will fill me with “happily” stabby thoughts. Despite all that,and after testing my theory with the help of Moodtracker.com, I have to say, these days I’m happy or at least at ease as much of the time as I’m feeling more negative emotions. What made me happier? Not “deciding” to be or thinking positive or any of that. Weirdly enough it was accepting that I’m not going to be happy all the time. No one is. It’s a little like what my Dad’s girlfriend taught me back as a teenager about having a bad trip when you’re on acid – remind yourself “Hey, I dropped acid. I’m having a trip.” It’s sort of the same premise. Not that I’ve dropped acid in years, but more like “Hey, I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD issues. And furthermore, this is life, and sometimes stuff that sucks will happen, and it will be upsetting. It makes sense that there will be times I won’t be happy.” So when I’m in a mood I just kind of roll with it and do whatever I need to do in that moment. And I’ve been finding with that approach, instead of going “Why am I not happy? How do I fix it and become happy? I’m a big failure emo whiner because I’m NOT happy!”…the bad moods don’t linger as long, and I’m also more appreciative of the good moods when I’m experiencing them.

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